Just the Beginning....

It was the middle of December, 2012. I had just finished having coffee with a friend.  When asked how I was doing, my response was this:  it's a discouraging time: cold, dreary winter months, struggling with fatigue, depression and anxiety, IBS.....the same 'ol issues.  I struggled to even admit all of this, again, because: shouldn't I be "past" all this? if I would just believe enough, spend enough time with God, exercise enough, pray enough?? For goodness sakes, I'm a pastor's wife....aren't we supposed to have "it" all together?  I know these are ridiculous statements because none of us have "it" all together....whatever "it" is, anyway.  But, for some reason I sometimes still hold myself under this impossible standard. 

After my friend left, I stayed at the coffee shop, thinking about my life and some of the issues we had talked about.  I asked God, "why?" out of frustration.  Why am I always so exhausted?  I want to be a good mom and a good wife.  I want to have energy for my family, to serve them and not feel like I'm slogging through mud all the time.  I have a precious family and it felt unfair, not to mention I hate that I struggle to get out of bed in the AM to get them breakfast and off to school.  As I was feeling sorry for myself, God spoke quietly....gently... I almost didn't hear. 

"I want you to train for a half marathon, Diane."  EXCUSE ME??? Did I not just tell you how tired I was?  He only said it once, but I knew it was Him.   This was the last thing I wanted to do right then!  I have never...ever.... felt confident as a runner, struggling to make it 2-3 miles...lungs burning, ears ringing.... not to mention I felt slow and sluggish all the time.  I knew what the biggest problem was, however.  I was afraid of failing.  What if I started training for this half marathon and I couldn't do it?  I would be a failure!  Then I would feel worse if I failed than if I didn't ever do it at all, right??  This fear of failure has been a huge stronghold in my life.  My lifelong motto has been: If there is the slightest possibility for failure, DON'T DO IT!!! 

So, I had a decision to make!  And Praise the Lord I followed His call and not my will.  I'm not trying to "over-spiritualize" this thing.  I do, however, see how it has been a huge turning point in my life!  I chose to trust Him that day and every day after that I got out to run.  I had to choose to not live in fear of failing, but lean on Him and His will for me in all of this.  I was afraid to tell people at first, for fear that I might not actually be able to do it, so then I would be a failure.  I had to grow in being okay with that possibility...stripped down to possibly looking like a failure.  What if I couldn't do it and God allowed that to happen?  Did I hear Him right?  Would I be a failure even if I'm living in obedience to what I thought was a calling of God?  What is failure, anyway?  Who am I allowing to define that for me?  Does God see me as a failure?  All of these questions hounded me through the months after that cold day in December! 

And this is only the beginning.....my journey of running with hope.